The passage of time is a funny thing – the only thing constant about the perception of its rate of passage seems to be that it is wildly variable.
It was five years ago today that I had what I still see as one of the very best days of my life – my wedding. Conversely it’s been 1 year 8 months and 361 days since two of my worst – our separation and then divorce.
It’s been … a year. It’s been up and down, good and bad – as most years are. I’d say that this last year started off pretty dark / mostly down, but has been been increasingly, if slowly, getting better. I’m in a better place, and perhaps just as importantly, so is Bea. In fact, I think that a lot of it has to do with that. Divorces – even the most amicable ones – are never easy. We worked hard to keep the process amicable – I know I did, and am 99% sure I speak for her on this – on retaining a long term relationship. Were she not in Dallas for a rollerderby tourney, we’d have gotten lunch today.
And now that I think about it, Halloween night was a sort of high point. I was honored to not only perform, but to host a very small wedding for two very good friends of mine, and Bea was indeed a guest. She hadn’t really been in the house since she’d moved out, and I was a little worried about how that might go. As far as I could tell, my fears were unfounded. Everything was pretty much the same (I liked the choices she/I/we made), and her response to the one big change I was implementing was something along the lines of “Oh my god, this makes so much more sense, why didn’t we do this years ago?” We got to hang out before and after the ceremony, it was really nice.
Still, as good/better as things are, it has been hard. I was asked early on if I missed her (the person) or her (the relationship) more. All I could ever answer was “Yes”, and that answer still stands. It’s not just that I’ve missed her, but also what we had. Bea was an integral part of a very good part of my life, and that will never change. In fact, as I’ve reflected on it today, I find myself remembering less and less of the bad, and while there is still that tint of that on things, I find that part fading. It’s nice.
Have I been dating? Yes. And it’s been a strange process to do that again, but I feel better about myself because of it, I think. It’s been good for me, and it’s provided me an avenue to better myself. Yes, I’ve made mistakes and stumbled here and there, but I’ve also made improvements and made some good decisions.
Am I ready for another relationship? I don’t really know. I know that I honestly haven’t felt that I have, but that’s something that I look at and re-evaluate relatively often. Chances are I’ll be ready before I realize it, and will be pleasantly surprised. This sort of healing takes time, and I feel I’ve owed it to myself to heed my friend Dave’s advice of “Walk, don’t run.” It’s served me well.
At the end of the day, I feel lucky. And oddly enough perhaps, I ran across this today:
It’s something that I’d be hesitant to just put out there, without some sort of lengthy “this isn’t meant to be overly dramatic, so please don’t read this as snarky or mean or intended for any one person, it’s just good advice” disclaimer. To be fair, it’s not really aimed at anyone in particular – it just seems fitting.
At the end of the day, despite all that has happened, I feel lucky to still have Bea and her folks (the “outlaws”) in my life, and am glad that she’s still a part of mine and my folks’ lives.